ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
