Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
