So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
