There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
