I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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