I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
