I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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