I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
