Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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