Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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