i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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