I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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