Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
