so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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