I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
