DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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