this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
