i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
