you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
