I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Last time i carry you out of a forest
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
