I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
try to milk me bitch
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