He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize