matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
