Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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