if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
