My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
