As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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