Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
