4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
