Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
