So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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