I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
