I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
