I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
