I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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