i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
