Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
