I don't usually arrange sex via text message
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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