I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize