..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
