I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize