I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
