well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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