i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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