Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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