My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I stole a fireplace last night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
