I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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