Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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