Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
