I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
