I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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