I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
