At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
