I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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