If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
