i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
