listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
