My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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