I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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