the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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