Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
