I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
