I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
