I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
