I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
too bad you live with your parents still
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
