I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
