Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
