I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I pour the whiskey from now on
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
