now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
