I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
