im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
