I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
