apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
